Have you ever heard the saying "Home is where the heart is."? Its a lie. Siberia is where the heart is. In the filthy coal mining region of Kemerovo. In the little, unknown town of Prokop'yvsk.
Ever since last Monday, I've been in a thick, gloomy fog. I don't want anyone around me. I'm ready to go back to Russia. Even though the people are unpleasant and frowny, they don't fake anything. Americans just smile, even if they're actually not happy, and if you don't have a cheery look on your face, you get asked by millions of people "Whats wrong?". Fact is, if anyone told someone how they were actually feeling, the person who asked in the first place, wouldn't listen!
I just want to be reconnected with my heart, back in Siberia. Then I can sleep soundly, breath deeply, and let go. But Massachusetts ain't what it used to be, sure, its the same place, with the same Governor and the same people. But, it's lost that comfort that home offers. It doesn't feel the same. Home isn't home anymore. The house that turned into a home, is just back to where it began, a house.
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| a small village in rural Siberia, where I want to go back. |
There's a feeling coming around with me saying that this is not where I belong. And I agree with it. This is not where I belong. Most nights I've been waking up at about 3-4 am. I can't fall back to sleep. Why? Because when I look t my right, I see a window. Out side of the window is a car, so that I don't walk to school, 2 miles. When I look to my left, I see a bottle of water from the sink, that doesn't have parasites in it. I see a closet full of shoes and clothes that fit. I can't fall back to sleep, because I feel too greedy looking at all of this stuff, that is exclusively mine. I know what you're thinking, be grateful for you have yadda yadda yadda. I am grateful for what I have, and I want less. But, Truth is, the thought that has been occurring to me the most," If I sell all of my stuff that I don't need, I'll be able to go back there in no time.". So for now, anybody want a small bookshelf? $5. lol.
I guess I'm just saying, I want to go back. The shirt that I wore for most of the trip couldn't have said it better "Home sweet Siberia".
Bridget, You know that I share how you feel EXACTLY. All I can tell you is to keep praying, and God will get you back there. He's gotten me there SEVEN times! And fill your days with things that make you feel like you are moving in that direction. For example. today I am going to start on a care package to Daniel, start one for G! And when you come over again ( this weekend?) we'll call her so you can hear her voice.
ReplyDeleteI'm sooooooooo glad you are in my life.
Bridget, you are such an amazing young girl. Please don't feel guilty for what you have. Appreciate what you have and continue to work towards bringing more to others. You are too young to have such a heavy heart. Know that you have already brought joy to so many an I KNOW that you will continue to do so. I hope to meet you some day and maybe even go to Russia with you. I hope my daughter (adopted for the Prokopyvsk Baby home in 2007) will grow up to be just like you!
ReplyDeleteKellie Jackson
Bridget,
ReplyDeleteYou do not know us but we have seen what you have seen. We pray every day for the souls in Prokop'yvsk - especially the children. We are putting together a box for Rosa and her brother. We told ourselves when we adopted our daughter from Prokop'yvsk orphanage number 5 that we would never adopt from Russia again. We have since gone to India and China to adopt. But I want YOU (along with Keri and your mom) to know that you have re-opened our eyes to what is there and we are re-energized. We are seriously considering adopting Rosa and her little brother. So keep on doing what you are doing - advocate, advocate and advocate for people to become part of the cause. With more hands helping we can do miracles in His name that would have been impossible previously.
The Murray's