Made To Be Broken, Time Lapses, and A Promise.

     Last month, I started high school. It's a whole new world for people like me. I'm a VERY shy person, for the most part. When theres more than one person that I don't know around, I feel like breaking down into tears. This is more recent than anything else, but it's true. I suppose that I'm afraid of social interaction. It's not that I just don't like it, I'm actually scared of it.
     Coming from a 14 year old, that does sound a bit strange. If I know that there's a situation in which I am going to have to be social, I'll stay up extremely late in the night, worrying about what I'm going to say, how I'm going to say it, what if it doesn't sound right? I'll get extremely nervous about it, and end up stressing out a lot, and completely crashing after said event.
     This started to happen when I came back from Russia last June. I don't know what caused it, but I've become quieter and more introverted. I'd rather stay in and read a book than go anywhere. I suppose you could say that I've been broken. Something snapped. It's terrifying. Look at my first post, and then some of the more recent ones. January 2011, I was a bubbly, giggly child. Now what am I? A cynical teenager? No. That's not what I'm trying to be, I want to be happy and outgoing again, but that doesn't seem very realistic in the near future.
     Also, the song Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls, reminds me so much of my sister, who I haven't spoken to in over a year. The lyrics are as follows:
"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehowYou're the closest to heaven that I'll ever beAnd I don't want to go home right now
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't comingOr the moment of truth in your liesWhen everything feels like the moviesYeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I amI just want you to know who I amI just want you to know who I amI just want you to know who I am" 
You can listen to it here.
    It reminds me of her so much, and causes me to be incredibly sad. I remember her tears, her voice, the sweet scent of her short black hair, her big brown eyes. It takes everything in me not to obsess over the fact that she is not here yet. It's one of those things that's right there, but you have to try to ignore. I don't want to ignore her, but its for the best.     Anyways, sorry I haven't been posting regularly, I'm going to try to work on that,-Bridget.



     One year later:Hi, I'm Bridget, I'm 15, and a sophomore in High School. Things have gotten better, I talk to people, though still get nervous around big groups of people I don't know. I'm also still afraid to ask people for things, I'd rather just not get said thing done. I've continued to get "good" grades (mostly B's with a few A's) and am taking AP Environmental Science this year. My locker is orange, with magnets and a picture of my sister inside.     It constantly kills me that she likely will never be my sister, she likely will never nee me again, and I the same. It kills me that the last memory I have of her is her looking behind her shoulder with tears in her eyes when I was leaving. Looking to make sure I was real, and maybe for the chance that I would just stay forever. I wish I could have stayed forever, but I had a life at home that I needed to tend to. I was 12, and couldn't just make the decision to stay. Legally, I could have stayed for three months, but I had school, two other members of my family, friends, and commitments that I couldn't just abandon to stay 6,000 miles away with no notice.     I wish that Putin didn't close adoptions to the U.S., but there's nothing I can do about that. What am I supposed to do? March over to the Kremlin and yell at Putin? I'm a 15 year old girl, he'd laugh in my face. Plus, many other people are stuck in the same was we are. I am and will be eternally grateful that Z didn't know we had plans to adopt her. For the other children, who had hope of a home in America, and knew that they would come home, and to have that ripped away from them, is a thought I cannot even fathom. I am absolutely crushed by the fact that she's growing older and will likely never come home, I am guaranteed a home until I am at least 18, and likely after that. I will continue to get an education at least until the year 2016, and though I am a little chilly right now, I can just turn the heat on. She (and all the others) are in Siberia, one of the coldest places on earth. They're guaranteed education until they are 16, and "age out" (more like get kicked out), and have it SO much worse than I do.      Anyways, the promise; It's not a promise to you. It's a promise to Z. Dear Z, know that I will never stop thinking about you, know that I care about you, and if Russia ever opens up adoptions, I will get right back to begging and nagging to get you home, but right now,  everything is out of my control. I will love you forever, don't forget that.-Bridget