Have you ever heard the saying "Home is where the heart is."? Its a lie. Siberia is where the heart is. In the filthy coal mining region of Kemerovo. In the little, unknown town of Prokop'yvsk.
Ever since last Monday, I've been in a thick, gloomy fog. I don't want anyone around me. I'm ready to go back to Russia. Even though the people are unpleasant and frowny, they don't fake anything. Americans just smile, even if they're actually not happy, and if you don't have a cheery look on your face, you get asked by millions of people "Whats wrong?". Fact is, if anyone told someone how they were actually feeling, the person who asked in the first place, wouldn't listen!
I just want to be reconnected with my heart, back in Siberia. Then I can sleep soundly, breath deeply, and let go. But Massachusetts ain't what it used to be, sure, its the same place, with the same Governor and the same people. But, it's lost that comfort that home offers. It doesn't feel the same. Home isn't home anymore. The house that turned into a home, is just back to where it began, a house.
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| a small village in rural Siberia, where I want to go back. |
There's a feeling coming around with me saying that this is not where I belong. And I agree with it. This is not where I belong. Most nights I've been waking up at about 3-4 am. I can't fall back to sleep. Why? Because when I look t my right, I see a window. Out side of the window is a car, so that I don't walk to school, 2 miles. When I look to my left, I see a bottle of water from the sink, that doesn't have parasites in it. I see a closet full of shoes and clothes that fit. I can't fall back to sleep, because I feel too greedy looking at all of this stuff, that is exclusively mine. I know what you're thinking, be grateful for you have yadda yadda yadda. I am grateful for what I have, and I want less. But, Truth is, the thought that has been occurring to me the most," If I sell all of my stuff that I don't need, I'll be able to go back there in no time.". So for now, anybody want a small bookshelf? $5. lol.
I guess I'm just saying, I want to go back. The shirt that I wore for most of the trip couldn't have said it better "Home sweet Siberia".